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Posts archive for: August, 2007
  • On hooliday in 1958

    Hooray!

    We're on holiday in the 1950s!

    En famile in a strange yet charming caravan park in the middle of wild Wales.

    There's a touch of The Prisoner about it, at first glance.

    But it really has a weird attraction.

    From my window I can see a line of caravans, all painted magnolia and set in a sort of tree-lined valley.

    There's a dead good, heated swim pool and sports centre thang, climbing wall and loads of stuff for the kids to do.

    Also, after a short walk through the woods, you come across a large lake surrounded by misty-topped mountains and - tah-dah! - a really quaint bar and restaurant stilted up over the water.

    So.

    Happy days!

  • At last - the answer to gun crime revealed by Jacko

    The home secretary, Jacqui Smith, has pledged to introduce new legislation, in particular a law to compel witnesses to come forward.

    Yay!

    So those terrified of reprisals will now come bravely marching into the nick to grass up the local gangsters - cos Jacko says they must.

    Fantastic piece of work all round.

  • So it begins - another load of hot air

    Broon has already begun his usual meaningless waffle, this time about a "heinous crime that shocked the whole of the country".

    And his sidekick Home Secretary Jacqui Smith vowed to get "as tough as it needs to get guns off our streets".

    Yes.

    Fine.

    But what are you actually going to do?

    Er, get as tough as it needs.

    Yes.

    But what are you actually going to do?

    Er, get as tough as it needs.

    Yes.

    But what are you actually going to do?

    Er, get as tough as it needs.

    Yes.

    But what are you actually going to do?

    Er, get as tough as it needs.

    Yes.

    Etc etc etc....

  • Death of a child

    An 11 year old lad has been gunned down and killed in Liverpool, the youngest ever fatal shooting in the city.

    This was not a gang land killing.

    The shooter apparently was a teenaged hoody on a BMX bike.

    The victim was just a child, an EFC fan, who should have been starting his first day at secondary school next week.

    He was comforted at the roadside by his devastated mother as he lay dying.

    According to the Liverpool Echo, she kept imploring him to "stay with us son."

    It's a shocking state of affairs.

    It literally sent a shiver down my spine.

    Call Me Dave will no doubt be demanding the confiscation of BMX bikes, hitting the hoody in his "lifestyle aspirations" and utterly missing the point again.

    Broon will be arriving in a suit to take control of illegal firearms by having his photograph taken for the press.

    The argument that guns aren't killers, people are, is just academic sophistry.

    How the hell are kids getting hold of guns?

    Who is giving them to them?

    And if this horrendous incident doesn't act as a turning point, forcing the politicians to stop mouthing inane platitudes and actually come up with some new ideas to stop the slide into gun law, then what in God's name will?

  • Must do better part II

    David Cameron today called for young offenders to be barred from driving as part of a concerted programme to tackle crime and lawlessness.

    The Tory leader said the country was facing a "real and growing problem" of violence and antisocial behaviour - from foul language on public transport to a doubling of knife crime over the past two years.

    "Common sense suggests that with young people you need to hit them where it hurts: in their lifestyle and their aspirations," he said.

    Oh god, Dave.

    You are so blowing it.

    You have no FUCKING idea at all, do you?

    The reality of the situation, outside of your Eton-educated PR-led slick-haired ignorance, is that young people in Broon's Britain have already been "hit where it hurts."

    What happened to hug a hoody?

    The idea of owning and driving a motorcar is so beyond their "lifestyle and aspirations" as to be completely irrelevant.

    Grow up, you saddo.

    The country doesn't want another focus group driven Blair-lite clone.

    We need someone with backbone, convictions, beliefs and ability.

    It's about time the "Opposition" got somebody at the helm who knows more than jack shit about life in the UK today.

    This guy does not.

  • Must do better

    David Cameron has set out his vision for how to tackle the problem of youth crime following a string of incidents in recent weeks.

    The Tory leader said a 'three-dimensional' approach was needed to crack down on crime, with the focus on criminal justice, policing and strengthening communities.

    He called for magistrates to be given greater sentencing powers, police to be freed from excessive paperwork and he said families should be encouraged to stay together through the tax and benefit system.

    All a bit cliched, really.

    Sending more kids to jail - presumably the consequence of giving JPs greater powers of sentencing - will hardly relieve the well-documented pressure on the prison system. Nor will it be helpful to have impressionable young men mixing with old lags.

    Freeing police from paperwork is such a hackneyed idea as to be almost beyond comment. I was under the impression that the many thousands of civilians and CSOs now employed by Plod were supposed to do that anyway?

    And the thought of encouraging families to "stay together through the tax and benefits system..."

    I can imagine the scenario.

    Wife to errant husband: "I loathe and despise you with every fibre of my being. And were it not for the Tories' three-pence a week child benefit, I would leave you in a second."

    Dave, mate.

    Not so much out of touch as out of orbit.

  • Love, life, ambition and death.

    Funny things, love, life, ambition and death.

    Yeah, well.

    Three of the four up there I totally gave myself over to.

    Love: Unhappy marriage, divorce, new marriage. Result - ace!

    Life: Strange things happen. Was a rock guitarist, became a writer, of sorts. Result - ace!

    Ambition: Completely gave everything I had to being a rock god. Slight adjustment after a good crack of the whip. Result - Hmm. Still wanna be a rock god.

    Death: Probably a blessed release in about 50 years time.

    So.

    That's me, then.

  • Into the gaping maw once maw

    God it's been a trying day.

    Got home about half an hour ago and felt completely wrung out, bloody knackered.

    Opened a bottle of vin blanc but it's not really helping much.

    Just seems to make me even more wrecked and on edge.

    Perhaps a couple more might do the trick?

    At least induce some sort of well-being/oblivion.

    Only problem is, I will probably slip so disastrously into the gaping maw of alcohol, I will decide it is time to cook and eat my own shoes.

    Maybe some sort of messy 'La Grande Bouffe' scene is in order.

    A very weird fillum from 1973 in which our hero and his mates gather in a country villa to eat themselves to death - a classic of European cinema mired in self disgust.

    Or.

    Just.

    You know...

    Chill!

  • So true

    'If the newspapers of a country
    are filled with good news,
    the jails will be filled with good people'

    Daniel Moynihan

  • Picked up on suspicion

    Respect my AUTHORITAYYY.

    The greedheads have once again managed to recruit Plod to act as their hitmen.

    Several hundred protestors gathering in the area where Heathrow Airport millionaires have decided they want to expand their hated runways have been subjected to police harassment.

    Plod are taking photographs of everybody arriving at the camp and are using automatic number plate recognition technology.

    There is talk of invoking Bush, Bliar and Broon's Terrrrrrrism Act to shift them off.

    Stopped on Sus?

    Not again, surely.

    Toxteth? Remember?

    Plod is saying "Hoh yus. Well... There could be anyone here, at this here protest camp."

    Yeah.

    Dickhead.

    That's OUR country for you.

    ANYONE is entitled to turn up and protest.

    There's no need to take DNA swabs.

    WE ARE A FREE PEOPLE.

  • A drink with your smoke ban?

    It's started.

    The nanny batter chatter is increasing madly over alcohol.

    The zealots got their way on smoking, now they're turning their unwanted attention to drink.

    Raising the legal age for buying booze to 21 is the latest stick with which to beat us.

    The new front opening up against drinking makes no sense.

    The government over the past decade has made drinking, at all hours and everywhere, much easier, and the consequences are overwhelmingly evident and serious.

    Busy-body politicians, who, having been drawn into politics by their over-weaning vanity, discover that they just love telling ordinary people what to do.

    So they were always sure to turn on drink in the end.

    After that it will be eating meat.

    What then?

    Sex?

    Don't think I'm joking.

  • Karmic revenge of the divine bull

    Is it just coincidence or karmic justice that almost before Shambo's lifeless body had stopped twitching, foot & mouth disease was back?

    I warned no good would come of Plod stomping in and slaughtering divine Hindu bulls.

    I said, didn't I?

    All those farmers screeching for his death because he suffered from bovine tuberculosis - though he posed no threat whatsoever to commercial livestock.

    Now they've messed with Krishna and there can be only one winner.

    Om.

  • Got a bad vibe about recycling

    Jeez.

    What a day!

    Anyhoo...

    News just in...

    RECYCLE YOUR RABBIT - Launch of Rabbit Amnesty- The World's First Sex Toy Recycling Scheme

    Sex toy recycling has arrived!

    Leading adult online retailer blahdeblah co.uk is giving consumers a clean, green way to dispose of their redundant Rabbit vibrators with the launch of Rabbit Amnesty - a
    revolutionary recycling scheme for rabbit lovers!

    Rabbit owners can send their outdated or overused vibrators to blahdeblah.co.uk and in return receive a half-price Rabbit vibrator from their range.

    I kid you not, gentle reader.

    What's the worst job in the world?

    Being in the postroom at blahdeblah.co.uk

    EEEEEeeeeeeeewwwwwww!!!!

  • The Old Lie

    We're here because we're here because we're here because we're here....

    The songs of the British Tommy had turned to a leary cynicism by 1917.

    The unquestioning patriotism of 1914 had long vanished in the barbed wire machine-gun slaughter mustard gas reality of trench warfare of Ypres Salient, The Somme and Mons.

    Wilfred Owen, who in my view wrote the most devastating truth about the horror of the trenches of the Western Front, was born on the Welsh Borders but grew up in Birkenhead.

    He died in the trenches in 1918 - one month before the Armistice.

    He wrote this.

    It's called Dulce et Decrorum Est Pro Patria Mori:

    It is Sweet and Fitting to Die For Your Country

    Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
    Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
    Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
    And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
    Men marched asleep.

    Many had lost their boots
    But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
    Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
    Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

    Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling,
    Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
    But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
    And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
    Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
    As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

    In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
    He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

    If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
    Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
    And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
    His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
    If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
    Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
    Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
    Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
    My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
    To children ardent for some desperate glory,
    The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
    Pro patria mori.

    8 October 1917 - March, 1918

  • Hunter and the generation of swine

    Anyone out there a Hunter S Thompson fan?

    Do you believe any of that shit about him witnessing - or worse - being involved in, the ritual killing of a young boy?

    The hideous, unconscionable theory being that his complicity was such it made him blow his brains out at Owl Farm, Aspen. Col.

    I've read reams on the internet - not a good place for objective, evidence-backed veracity - about this.

    And I've seen plenty in the press, too, though none of it as graphic as the web stuff.

    What's your view?

    For the avoidance of doubt, I've read just about everything HST ever published and have found him a source of inspiration down the years.

    I'm sure if he knew this kind of trash was being spewed about him, he'd pursue the perps like a rat across the tundra.

    Even from Beyond The Grave.

  • Life and the meaning of it all

    Evening, seekers of truth.

    Having just returned rapidly in Hektor's cardboard Space Shuttle from a dark star in the Andromeda Galaxy, I was struck by this nugget of reality from your Prof Richard Dawkins:

    "After sleeping through a hundred million centuries, we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with colour, bountiful with life.

    "Within decades we must close our eyes again.

    "Isn't it a noble, enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun, to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it?

    "This is how I answer when I am asked - as I am suprisingly often - why I bother to get up in the mornings."

    Pretty brilliant, eh?

    But personally, a good cup of Yorkshire Blend Tea and a couple of tabs are enough to make me start twitching the duvet at 7.30am.

    But then, I am from the Frozen North.

  • God I'm bored...

    I was going to write something sparkling and droll about the world's financial markets collapsing like a house of cards thus heralding the death of Capitalism.

    But then I realised I knew fuck all about it.

    So...

    What's everyone doing over t'weekend?

  • Farewell Chris Langham

    So.

    Farewell then, Chris Langham.

    A special welcome will be waiting for you in the prison showers.

    If you live that long.

    The inevitable consequence of another celebrity compelled to research the scourge of child pornography on the internet.

  • Big Brother's Little Impact

    Channel 4's audience share last week slipped to its lowest level during Big Brother since the reality series launched eight years ago.

    In further ratings woe for the channel, the show's key demographic of 16 to 34 year olds has also dropped to an all-time low.

    Ratings figures for last week show that Channel 4's share stood at 8.37% - its poorest performance during any Big Brother week from any of the eight series going back to 2000.

    Renews your faith in human nature, really.

  • Internet to be axed

    The world of technology was plunged into turmoil last night as top popster Sir Elton John demanded the internet must be axed.

    The rocketman, real name Reg, blasted cyberspace with all guns blazing, leaving no doubt that the world wide web's days are numbered.

    Sir Elton, real name Stan, told the soaraway Sun: "The internet has stopped people from going out and being with each other, creating stuff.

    "Instead they sit at home and make their own records, which is sometimes OK but it doesn’t bode well for long-term artistic vision."

    And the well-known Revolutionary Marxist, real name Che, took a sideswipe at the lazy youth of today for not following his example and leading the masses to march against oppression: "Let’s get out in the streets and march and protest instead of sitting at home and blogging.

    "I do think it would be an incredible experiment to shut down the whole internet for five years and see what sort of art is produced over that span.

    "There’s too much technology available."

    So...

    A NET LOSS then, Elt!!!!!!!!!

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