Red Leader: Enemy activity has been slight

Up until about 10.30 this morning, I had a quite clear view on this.

However.

As our place of business is next to a large funeral directors, I have had something in my mouth which, unless you were fighting in the trenches of Flanders in 1914, you would be perfectly entitled to have hoped never to have experienced.

Standing outside with a colleague, I was interested to watch the funeral directors roll out a trolley, which is used for transporting cadavers from the scene of death to the funeral home.

Then they wheeled out an extremely powerful jet washer and proceeded to hose the gurney down with a water jet of impressive pressure.

Now, we've been here three years and NEVER in that time have I seen them do this before.

So they'd obviously had a very messy job on that left one of their trolleys hideously polluted either with blood or decaying flesh (sorry about that, but it gets worse).

So.

While inhaling from a refreshing Berkeleys menthol, I was appalled to find my mouth and nostrils filled with millions of droplets of the overspray from washing down the filthy corpse carrier.

I'm sure if a DNA swab was taken from my mouth, it would reveal the genetics of many, many people. Most of whom had died recently in horrible circumstances.

There we have it.

Can anyone beat THAT?

Do you ever think that one day you're going to wake up and everybody you know will be standing around laughing and saying: "It was all just a test! Real life is nowhere near as horrible as that!"

Ever driven a sports car at 120mph while being chased by the filth down a motorway sliproad?

Nah.

Me neither.

I tried to write a book once, with a co-writer, and it was quite good.

The only line I remember from it though, is the one at the top of my blog.

"An east wind sodden with the hint of snow lashed across the deserted" ... well, it wasn't "runway", it was "street".

Still.

Quite a good opening gambit, eh?

The only thing worse than listening to a crap record is playing on one.

Opening my mail this morning (God, I even have to open my own bloody mail now. Another humiliation. If only I'd paid more attention at editors' school) I was truly astonished to discover I'd been invited to a 'Christmas Press Show' for a high street chain store.

Christmas? In June?

There used to be a campaign group that fought to Push Christmas Back to December.

It began in response to shops being stuffed with Yuletide rubbish in November.

Now June is seen as a good time to launch the Christmas range.

The press event will surely be a flop.

Staggering in from 25 degrees to a glass of mulled wine served by grinning "elves" in summer is almost guaranteed to ensure a bad write up.

Anyway.

I ain't going.

Dreams.

What can they mean?

The night before last I dreamt a swarm (is that the right collective noun?) of maggots emerged from a wheelie bin, each one having the face of one of my colleagues.

Last night, I dreamt I was being attacked by a giant spider in my bathroom.

What does this mean?

Should I be worried?

NEVER mind the nuclear threat from Putin or the "Middle East" situation.

We have news just in that concerns the single most important topic for every man, woman and child in the UK:

Here we go folks....

Local Labour Euro MP, Arlene McCarthy today welcomed an EU-wide ban on old-fashioned mercury barometers, which comes as part of global efforts to reduce the amount of mercury in everyday life.
Local Labour Euro MP and Chair of the Consumer Protection Committee Arlene said;

“Mercury is also accumulative building up in the human body over time, which for 1in6 women means they can pass on above average levels of mercury to their unborn child.”

Hoorah!

They will be dancing in the streets tonight.

Thank you, ma'am.

THANK YOU

Eeek!!!

The Quespery Moone has disappeared.

NOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

How good is this!!!!

http://myspace.com/simplewhoisit

I always thought I loved the Ramones.

But watching them on Seven Ages of Rock on Satdee, I thought they sounded awful.

Especially Blitzkreig Bop, which I used to think was a seminal piece of pure punk pop.

It may have been at the time.

But it sounded like a seminal piece of crap from 30 years distance.

Pistols still sounded pretty vacant, though, glad to say.

Chaos.

Stupidly tried to diagnose myself "well" last week.

The effect was shattering.

And not in a good way.

You get that high, you gonna get that low, as a bipolar mate of mine once grimly predicted many years ago.

He was right.