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Posts archive for: May, 2007
  • Listeners

    'Is there anybody there?' said the Traveller,
    Knocking on the moonlit door;
    And his horse in the silence champed the grasses
    Of the forest's ferny floor:
    And a bird flew up out of the turret,
    Above the Traveller's head
    And he smote upon the door again a second time;
    'Is there anybody there?' he said.
    But no one descended to the Traveller;
    No head from the leaf-fringed sill
    Leaned over and looked into his grey eyes,
    Where he stood perplexed and still.
    But only a host of phantom listeners
    That dwelt in the lone house then
    Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight
    To that voice from the world of men:
    Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,
    That goes down to the empty hall,
    Hearkening in an air stirred and shaken
    By the lonely Traveller's call.
    And he felt in his heart their strangeness,
    Their stillness answering his cry,
    While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,
    'Neath the starred and leafy sky;
    For he suddenly smote on the door, even
    Louder, and lifted his head:-
    'Tell them I came, and no one answered,
    That I kept my word,' he said.
    Never the least stir made the listeners,
    Though every word he spake
    Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
    From the one man left awake:
    Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
    And the sound of iron on stone,
    And how the silence surged softly backward,
    When the plunging hoofs were gone.

    -- The Listeners -- Walter De La Mare

  • No smoking, no drinking, no looking out to sea wistfully

    In this crazy world in which we live in, to quote Macca in Live and Let Die, things are getting k-k-krazier by the day.

    For instance: Not content with mithering everybody out of the alehouse with their busy-body "No Smoking Anywhere EVER" bore, the nannies are now trying to poop the party at home by insisting that bottles of booze carry a sign saying: "ACHTUNG! WARNING! Alcohol can get you drunk", or some such inane claptrap.

    For instance: At the shoreline near where I live, where for millennia had stood, er, nothing but the vast, inspiring, lonely and mysterious expanse of the Irish Sea, there are now 36 wind "turbines" each taller than the Blackpool Tower.

    This despite the fact that "turbines" can't generate enough electricity to illuminate the inside of a gnat's chuff.

    They can, however, generate huge amounts of profit for the manufacturers of wind "turbines" and their parliamentary lobbyist reptiles, who've managed to convince the know-nothing Westminster woodentops that these hulking great monstrosities will prove without doubt that their green credentials are unimpeachable.

    And they're not "turbines". They're fucking WINDMILLS.

    For instance: And this is REALLY odd, on Friday a child gave my 12-year-old daughter a small block of cannabis resin in the school yard.

    Strange enough, you might think but...hey...these are enlightened times in which you won't get fined for smoking draw, but you will for smoking a tab.

    But now the really strange part: She handed it in to the teacher. The teacher phoned us going ape shit and put my daughter on detention.

    What was she supposed to do? Skin up?

    Perhaps she's blown the gaff and the teacher was pissed off that the school's clandestine PFI fundraiser (dealing drugs) will liklely come to stuttering a halt?

    Who knows?

    Maybe I long for another place to live.

    Like perhaps the 1950s.

  • Quick and funny friends

    Very amusing colleagues we have round here!

    Stupid work firewall just prevented me from accessing a Shakespearean quote site.

    Apparently there "may be obscene language" on it which would sully my virginal mind forever.

    As I was moaning aloud about the stupidity of such a rigid system, my friend piped up:

    "So...You were Bard."

    Good one, eh?

    x

  • Unexpected and unwelcome change of plan

    Boo hiss.

    Was going to see OMD tonight but family crisis means it's plan "B".

    There is no plan B.

    *sigh*

  • How much more are we to take?

    No-one is more eco-aware than I.

    No-one goes to more faff and fanny than I do to make sure that the planet is safeguarded for The Children to blow themselves out of existence with nuclear bombs without being overun by paper and old potatoes and, er, leather shoes and stuff.

    But, surely, today, this is where the line got drawn...

    Father's Day is going green!

    Tired of socks, ties and hankies? This Father's Day give your dad a
    present with a difference and help him to make a difference too.

    The Bumble Bee Nester is a quirky present for your dad he can look after
    his own little family of bees.
    The nester has a viewing window so your dad
    can keep an eye on everything blah blah blah.

    The Bumblee fucking bee fucking nester???!!!!!

    His own fucking little fucking family of fucking BEES?

    That's it...

    I'm off to guadalajara, where the tequila flows and you can hurl yer empty bottle of mescal at a passing non-smoker (if you can find one) and no-one bats an eyelid.

    ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!

  • The TRUTH about global warming

    News Just In...News Just In...News Just In...News Just In...

    Farting cows, burping chickens and belching sheep have been identified in a
    new United Nations report as being responsible for 20% of global warming
    emissions.

    The finger of blame is pointed at intensive agriculture practised in Britain
    and other rich nations, where meat is now eaten in vast quantities.

    Wirral MEP Chris Davies says there is nothing natural about animal emissions
    on such a scale.

    Sooo.

    Farting cows are to blame.

    Not my television standby light or my plazzy supermarket bag.

    All suggestions as to how to put the tonnes of cow fart to good use will be gratefully accepted in Brussels.

  • Too much going on

    Dear God but it's been a busy day.

    Not had time to stop and chat.

    Hope everyone's okay and that.

    Maybe be better tomorrow...

    *waves to all friends and dashes out of blog back to weerrk*

  • Looking for trouble, you come the right place

    The gifted seer Jonathan Cainer has this to say about my star sign today: "Don't go looking for trouble, it is coming looking for you this weekend."

    Thanks JC.

    That's something to look forward to then.

    And anyway, tell us summat we don't know.

  • I will be a criminal

    Just got an info pack about the new fascist anti-smoking laws.

    Apparently, smoking in a company car is to become a "criminal act."

    Yes.

    A CRIMINAL ACT!

    Now I yield to no-one in support for the police, a body of men and women so staunch it is hard not to weep tears of gratitiude, but I really think this is an act of madness.

    Up in court charged with "smoking in a car"?

    Have I unknowingly slipped into a parallel universe where eveything is, to put it bluntly, NUTS?

  • Good stuff

    Good one!

    My lad, who has special needs, has just done really well in his SATS.

    There is hope, after all.

  • O hunter where art thou when I need, er, thou?

    A good lunchtime sesh has completely calmed my jangled nerves and eased my fractured confidence.

    Sometimes you just feel like you want to push things beyond their limits.

    Take a motorcycle on the M-way and crank it to 150.

    Stare a gangster in the eye and tell him he's a prick.

    Snort that tenth line of charlie.

    Just sometimes, like.

    We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...."

    And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"

    Then it was quiet again.

    My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.

    "What the hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses.

    "Never mind," I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.

    No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.

  • Gonna be one o'them days

    Hmmm.

    8.35am...

    Too early for neat Sambuca?

    Yes?

    No?

    Let's see shall we?

  • Could Not Care Less About You - you'll be glad to hear

    I was reading the Observer yesterday and put it down with the usual feelings of crushed desperation starting to flow over me.

    God, EVERYONE these days is just so up their own arse - meddling, interfering, hectoring, scolding and generally worrying about the things we do that are no fucking business of there's at all.

    And all the political parties are the same.

    The straw that broke the camel's back was some guff about making it compulsory to put folic acid in bread thus reducing the risk of giving birth to "disabled" babies.

    Yep. Compulsory.

    None of this, you can buy this loaf with added folic acid if you want, or this one, without any if you'd rather.

    I reckon if someone was to launch the I Really Couldn't Give a Tiny Rat's Arse What You Do party, they'd just clean up at the next election.

    ARGGGHHH!!!!!!

  • Manipulation of the nation

    Shall we start on ID cards?

    They were meant to be a crucial weapon in the unwinnable "War on Terror."

    Then the Madrid bombings exposed the hollowness at the centrte of the "belief" that ID cards would prevent terrorism.

    So now we have moved the goalposts.

    History will not record that ID cards were ever thought to be imperitive to national security.

    No.

    You see, the real reason, we are now being told, is to prevent bank fraud and identity theft and, er, illegal imigration.

    Doublespeak, anybody?

    And are we going to swallow this for much longer?

  • Doublespeak at the Ministry of Truth or Justice

    From today, there is a new Government department.

    Say hello to The Ministry of Justice - Justice once being the responsibility of the Home Office.

    I think there is something chillingly Satlinist Soviet-sounding about The Ministry of Justice.

    You could imagine the cruel dictator being driven through the snow-slushed streets in a "Ministry of Justice" black stretch Zil.

    How long before The Ministry of Truth?

    The Ministry of Truth in 1984 was involved with news, entertainment and the fine arts.

    Its purpose was to rewrite history and change the facts to fit party doctrine, for propaganda effect.

    For example, if Big Brother made a prediction that turned out to be wrong, the employees of the Ministry of Truth would go back and rewrite history so that any prediction Big Brother made would be accurate.

    So...

    There are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq because we said there are WMD in Iraq.

    Doublespeak, you see:

    "The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them. ... To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies—all this is indispensably necessary."

    *shudders*

  • Liggers queue here

    Woohoo!

    VIP OMD tickets arrived in the post at home this morning.

    Let us RAWK!

    Next Wednesday at the Liverpool Empire.

    Singer's my mate.

    Just booked Thursday off work!

  • Ugly Johnny

    Spider Man 3 got a right kicking in the papers.

    But I took my lad to see it on Sunday and he absolutely LOVED it to bits.

    Loadsa special effects and fantastic sound track made it a rollercoaster ride from start to finish.

    However...

    My enjoyment of the movie was only marred by my wife having a Meg Ryan "When Harry Met Sally" moment in the foyer as she stood admiring a giant cardboard cut out of Johnny Depp as Cap'n Jack Sparrow in the new Pirates of the Caribbean flick.

    He looked like he had a slight facial skin probelm to me. Open pores, like.

    *sigh*

  • Selfless efforts end in tears

    Can hardly blog through the pain in every aching muscle in my body.

    Each sinew stretched and raw, every tendon screaming with the weeping wounds of torture.

    Every bone...(enough agony. Ed.)

    Yes...

    You've guessed it.

    I emulsioned a ceiling yesterday.

    AND glossed a door.

    *falls face down on keyboard*

  • Sins of the fathers

    Shit.

    School just called to say they've excluded my son for a week for smoking in the bike sheds.

    Hmm.

    "This boy is a bad influence on the entire school"

    That's not his head teacher's report comments.

    It was mine, nearly 30 years ago.

    Like father like son, eh?

    *hangs head in shame*

  • This explains EVERYTHING

    Drinking seven pints of beer a week can make your brain shrink, scientists have warned.

    Research has shown that consuming just a pint of bitter or lager a day can cut the size of your grey matter - and the more you drink, the smaller it gets.

    Just two glasses of wine a day is enough to cause shrinkage more normally associated with the ageing process.

    Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

    *sigh*

  • I want everything louder than everything else

    Well.

    Here we go again.

    20 billion urgent things to do before the bank holiday and not an ounce of energy to do a single one of them.

    Must prioritise...

    Red Leader's Urgent To Do List:

    1 Go pub.

    2 Er...

    3 That's it.

  • All will be revealed

    The Ministry of Defence plans to open its "X-Files" on UFO sightings to the public for the first time.

    Officials have not yet decided on a date for the release of the reports, which date back to 1967, but it is hoped to be within weeks.

    The move follows the decision by the French national space agency to release its UFO files in March, the first official body in the world to do so.

    So...

    At last the truth about my kidnapping by aliens will come out.

    Curse their metal probes!

  • Cabbage crates coming over the briny!

    Just did a quick reccie over the North Sea, and bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's yer father ... hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the drink.

    Laugh?

    I thought I'd never start.

    Anyhoo.

    Mrs Red Leader is in a social whirl this week and has plans to be off the base each night.

    Which means just me, footy/snooker on the box and Capt Smirnoff for company.

    It was bad enough last night.

    My liver feels like its been fried.

    And it's only Wednesday.

    Right-ho.

    Must dash.

    Bunch of monkeys on our ceiling! Grab your egg and fours and let's get the bacon delivered.

    Cabbage crates coming over the briny!

  • Bandits at 12 O'Clock

    Red Leader up

    Change of name for third time.

    Love,

    Daggers

    Stratters

    Red Leader

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